Hamam hoohah....

Beware the lure of the 7Euro hamam experience! This was mine....

"What can I interest you in, during your visit to Bodrum?" A charming tour agent, a board displaying tempting options, a visitor to Bodrum who has paused to look. "The hamam? You can visit whenever you like. A driver will pick you up from here and drop you back at your hotel. Not in a hotel? In a private apartment near the Halikarnassos nightclub? No problem!" Deal done.

In my mind, I was going to an ancient Turkish Bath: traditional, peaceful, relaxing; a mute but intelligible experience; a pleasant indulgence. But I didn't check that assumption.

A minivan arrived, with a young Russian couple - already ensnared, and off we went across town to a flash resort hotel. No traditional hamam, and no aesthetic enhancements to encourage repeat business. Just take your place in the process line, and first up - the sales pitch.

What you have paid for is not the traditional Turkish-style treatment. You have paid for the preparation only ie. a 5-min sauna (or 10mins if you want), a 3-min scrub (interpret scour, scrape, scratch) and a 3-min foam massage (interpret painful pummelling of muscles). The authentic Turkish bath includes an oil massage, which costs more. You don't have enough money with you? No problem. You can pay the driver when he drops you back at your hotel. Not in a hotel? Near the Halikarnassos? Oh, my uncle owns that. He's a very rich man. In Seytin Kaptan St? Oh yes, I know that, and the driver can take you there. Deal done - a special combination of 10-min back massage, 10-min feet massage, 10-min head massage and face mask for an extra 100TL.

For me, a sauna is not a happily-anticipated experience, but at least I had the Russian girl to chat to. She loves saunas. My metal earrings heated up so much they burned. Already I was thinking, "Sorry, body, this was meant to be your treat." Next, into the Turkish bath, where I had to lie on a hot slab of rock and endure the vicious limb scrubbing, then foamy muscle pummelling. Also, while on my stomach, my legs were bent back at the knees and pressed painfully into my bum. Cold-water rinse-off. That was my 7 Euros worth. The back massage and foot massage were fine, the head massage excruciating and the face mask a non-event.

The staff made no attempt to make customers feel pampered. They were not rude - just indifferent to their work; silent, unsmiling components in the process line.

Then came the ride home with the driver from hell. He wanted to know which hotel. I said no hotel - blah, blah, blah. He kept insisting on the name of my hotel, getting very agitated, yelling into his phone and waving his arms in the air. I knew where we had to go and kept indicating down near the beach, but he just feigned distress, continued to gesticulate, yell and thump the steering wheel and say "No hotel!" What an act! The hamam man had definitely spoken to him and told him where we were all going. Finally he followed my directions and he made out it was a huge imposition having to drive up the narrow street from the beach. When we stopped outside the apartment, he got out of the car with me, checked the back corner of his car and tried to make out it was scraped as a result of getting me home. Bullshit! I'm sure he hoped that I would throw money at him to make him go away. The little yappy dog across the road took exception to his yelling and flew out to have a go at him. That made him dance and he polka'd quickly back into the van, machismo abandoned in the street. Good little mean dog! When I gave him the money, he said "Tip?" Yes - don't be such a rude, manipulative prick!

Sorry, Body and Soul.....

 

This was the poster - the clues were there.....

 

Posted with Blogsy